I think one of the most uncomfortable human interactions happens around death. I was 21 when my dad died and I remember having friends in college who never acknowledged his death. Even though I was gone from school for over a week, when I returned, it was like, nothing happened. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and really surprised that the simple phrase of, “I’m sorry for the loss of your dad,” was not said. (Note: I also had many friends who were active and supportive.)
At that time, I also remember trying to “be strong.” I went through the funeral process, holding it together the best I could, and “being there” for other people. I think this is a common trait for grievers. The irony of the situation is that you just lost someone you love and you’re highly vulnerable, yet you’re now front and center hosting a funeral and post-luncheon for hundreds of people.
I like this article in the Huffington Post by John Tsilimparis, Grief and Loss: Tips on how we can help those affected. It has good reminders and reinforcements for grievers and their supporters. If you have a friend that is grieving, lend your support and acknowledge their pain. Just by saying, “I don’t know what to say, except, I’m sorry for your loss,” that’s acknowledgement enough. And, if you’re the one grieving, allow it and take the time to listen to your heart and care of yourself. Fuel up.
About Peggy Paul
Peggy-I think you address an issue that is so awkward for a lot of people. Wanting to say something but not sure what the right words are. Your personal story is a reminder that saying something to someone who is grieving-even if it the words don’t seem right-really matters. I send sympthay cards at the time of a death and I send a card a few months later to let the person know that I’m thinking about them after all of the funeral activity quiets down. I’m not perfect with what I say, but the acknowledgement seems to help at a time of grief.
Good tips from you too Mary. In fact, this whole topic can expand to people who are coping/caring for a sick loved one as well.
Peggy, thank you for bringing the subject up. When my mother died at age 55 after a brief illness, one of the things I remember most was the overwhelming number of people who simply showed up for the funeral. I didn’t have the opportunity to speak with most of them, but their presence, collectively and individually, generated what felt like wave after wave of love and support during the service. Sometimes, just being there when someone loses a loved one is enough.
I agree JoAnn, a presence like that is greatly appreciated too.
So often fear keeps us away from acting, speaking or sharing, even though we know and want to act, speak or share. Thanks for sharing your experience and more important for giving us some tools to overcome this fear and better manage loss in the lives of friends and loved ones.
You got it – thanks Chris.
Thank you Peggy! The same can be said for dealing with illness. A family member was diagnosed with breast cancer and she was hurt by people not acknowledging the fact that she had a problem. She did not want the attention (she is not that kind of person), but wanted to know that she was cared about. A simple – “I’m thinking about you” would have been great.
So easy to say a few words and what an impact they make.