It’s back to school, time! [Woo hoo! Wooo! Yeah! HUZ-ZAH!] I am so, so excited. I will miss the kiddos [and the incessant bickering]. But Iet’s face it, by the end of the summer everyone wants their space [well mainly me, due to the incessant bickering].

Before I get all caught up in the beautiful sound of silence that will engulf my home at 8:36 am on September 4, 2012, I must gear up and prepare.

Where were you the night your socks went missing!?!?!

For me, preparing means replenishing the kids’ supply of a few essential items. I’m talking about items with a high frequency vanishing quotient. I call it the HFV quotient.

HFV quotient items include socks, mittens, reusable plastic containers, lunch sacks, barrettes/hair bands/any Goody hair accessory etc. I purchased 15 pairs of socks for my son 2 months ago and only 5 pairs remain. Gone without a trace. Same for the pack of 200 hair bands I purchased for my daughter—3 remain, 197 have vanished. Alien abduction, perhaps? Consumed by the dog?

I’ve interrogated every family member, separately [and under a bright light…well, the overhead light in the kitchen]. No one seems to want to fess up to the whereabouts of these items. Even the dog, when offered a sizable reward, kept his silence and would not share any information related to the whereabouts of the missing items [though his expression is hard to read].

The green police, they’re coming to arrest me, oh no [Sing it! It’s a Cheap Trick reference]

I have tried my best to comply with the school’s zero waste/green policy by using reusable plastic containers in my kids’ lunches*. But the containers have rarely made it back home, rendering them completely UN-usable. I have serious concerns, that somewhere in this town is a mile high pile of GladWare and our last name is written on each and every one. With that kind of evidence, the green police surely have a warrant out for my arrest.

[So, here’s my dirty little secret (nothing close to 50 Shades): Instead of buying more containers, I send my husband [lackie] to Costco to buy Ziplock sandwich bags in bulk—better that he get snagged by the green police than me. I use them to pack lunches. When the kids get home from school, I empty their lunch sacks (that is, if the sacks have made it home) and throw all the plastic bags away (horror, I know)].

Maybe I’m paranoid, but reusable, insulated lunch sacks are out to get me

I truly love the idea of insulated, reusable lunch sacks vs. the giant size paper grocery store bag I had to use for my lone PB&J sandwich as a kid [cost-effective, but awkward to carry and well, let’s just say, the giant paper lunch bag did not help me make friends].

These lunch sacks run about $15. And then they vanish…into a mythical land called The Deep Hole in my Wallet where miniature, evil lunch sacks dance around and laugh maniacally—mocking me— every time I purchase yet another insulated, reusable lunch sack all in the name of keeping Go-Gurts chilled and landfills empty.

Now, I am off to shop and once again stock up on all that will most certainly be lost.

*“It’s not easy being green”, Kermit the Frog.